Lots of people ask me how I stay "fairly skinny but not like, supermodel skinny." Before I have a chance to respond they follow up with something like "You have athletic legs but it seems like you're perpetually 7 weeks pregnant. OMG. Are you pregnant?!"
My secret to a fairly average bod is....a handful of almonds!
Yep! You heard me! Almonds contain essential nutrients and minerals that naturally charge my robot heart. In addition to (1) 20MG adderall a day, several handfuls of almonds can beat those early morning, mid-morning, late-morning, early afternoon, mid afternoon, late afternoon, early evening, mid evening, and late evening cravings.
Several times a day my body starts shaking uncontrollably and I begin sobbing hysterically, that's when I know it's time to shove those almonds right down my throat, or through the flap on the back of my head. Or in my butt.
Here are some other methods I've used to try and stay within my goal-ish weight!*
1. Consume only bananas for 10 days straight. The key to this is on even days only eat mashed bananas, on odd days only eat no bananas (you can substitute imaginary bananas as well. Or cotton balls)
2. Anytime a craving for unhealthy fats hits (like oils containing trans fats or the actual fat sucked out of tummies during liposuction) go get a car wash.
3. Before every meal drink one tall glass of water and then immediately try and pee it out. If you are unable to pee it out try my secret 'reverse drinking method,' by pouring a glass of water directly into your urethra and pee it out of your mouth.
4. Develop a stimulant addiction, but don't be a showboat about it!
*None of these worked for me, but of fucking course they all worked for my sister.
But the most important thing is to stay positive. We put so much pressure on ourselves as women to be perfect and look perfect and robotocize perfect. But the fact of the matter is, it's our imperfections that make us all beautiful and unique. And also, chances are likely your sister will always look better than you, so either kill her or accept yourself into your own robot heart.